Changing the World

One of my favourite quotes of all time ties together my life-purpose of writing, and my passion for empowering girls by seeking out strong, independent women as mentors for girls.  My view is that the world is short of female mentors – not because there aren’t women who fill this role, but because we haven’t really highlighted what these amazing women have contributed.  I think that as a world, we’re beginning to notice and acknowledge their contribution now, but a lot of work still has to be done to put these women in the spotlight. 

Many girls haven’t read a Jane Austen novel at all.  And if they have, they seem to have the idea that it may be great literature, but it belongs to yesteryear.  They don’t have the insight to know how much people like Jane Austen and Beatrix Potter have contributed to girls’ lives and accomplishments today.  That may seem a very big statement to make, but the fact is that every time a woman accomplishes something, she opens the door of possibility a bit wider for every other girl and woman worldwide.  We need to celebrate that.  We need to think about the societal structure that these women were brave enough to remould – their efforts took guts, faith, self-belief, energy, patience and persistence.  These women may not have taken part in activism marches and put themselves at risk in that way, but they quietly hammered away at the bastions of an imbalanced and unjust society on a daily basis, without acknowledgement or any form of publicity for their efforts.

Women shouldn’t have to climb Mount Everest or achieve martyrdom or attain key positions in government to be acknowledged as worthy of being role models.  We as a society need to develop a new normal – that of appreciating those who quietly and humbly strive in their own way to make the world a better place.  And when we can do this, our eyes will open to the many women who, by their own example, are teaching girls that they are truly capable of anything and everything.  That’s where one of my favourite quotes of all time comes in – it is by an amazing woman who started changing the world bit by bit, and whose name became engraved on many hearts worldwide.  Mother Teresa’s wise words were:  

“One thing I ask you to do, you people who have the pen in your hand, allow God to use you so that you never write anything that will destroy, that will hurt, but always take the trouble to write something beautiful, to help the people to see better, to love better, to come closer to each other.”

As a writer, I live by these words every day.

Dads and Daughters

It surprises me how many men are partly absent from their daughters’ lives.  I’m not talking about those men who are physically absent or who don’t take an interest in their children.  I’m talking about the dads who love their daughters and who play an active part in raising them.  What surprises me is how many of these loving fathers don’t acknowledge that their girls are just that – girls!  Their daughters don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to dad about sex or say that they’re not feeling good because of menstrual cramps.  When did anatomy and physiology become something to be ashamed of?  Why is it okay for fathers to get their daughters a remedy for a headache or a band-aid for a cut finger, while it is somehow taboo for them to buy their daughters sanitary pads or tampons?

My advice to fathers would be to be present for your daughters in every way.  Realize that they are women.  Try to see the world through their eyes and think about what it feels to be a teenage girl whose body is changing.  And, most importantly, talk.  Communicate and make your daughters feel comfortable with you on every level.  I was blessed to have a dad who did this for me.  At any time I could ask him to drive to the supermarket because I desperately needed tampons.  As a girl, I appreciated that.  I felt acknowledged and understood (well, as understood as a teenage girl can feel!!).   As a woman I realize the true meaning of having a dad who recognized and celebrated that I was a young woman, and I’m deeply grateful.

Don’t let your regrets get in the way of your dreams

Most people who get to know me remark about how positive and optimistic I am, and while this is true, like anyone else, I get frustrated about some aspects of my life.  I wish I could have some do-overs, particularly in my teenage years – I sigh, thinking about how I could have handled things better and how, if I had done so, my life would have been so much happier.  And of course I’m conflicted just thinking such thoughts because I do believe that through your thoughts, you create your life.  What’s the point of thinking about things that you did wrong; things that you cannot change?  The truth of the matter is that if I hadn’t made all those mistakes, I couldn’t have learned what I did and the result would have been that I wouldn’t be who I am now.  We all have 20/20 hindsight – that’s easy!  What’s not so easy is believing in your dream while you feel you are hanging on by a thread.  Yes, I have felt and sometimes still feel that way.  I have also developed a solution to this feeling – a simple, logical way to deal with this.

The logic is this:  you become what you think!  If you think happy thoughts, you feel good and similarly, the opposite is true.  Put another way, like attracts like – what you think, you will attract to yourself.  Given this logic, there is no room in my life for thinking about “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” and most of the time, these days I remember that.  There are moments when I fall off the wagon, but at those times I start thinking about how much I have to be grateful for and make a mental gratitude list.  There is no doubt that I’m blessed. 

However, think about this:  just a few decades ago, girls and women didn’t have the opportunity to know that they could make their dreams come true.  But they had dreams anyway.  They knew that it might be near impossible to ever achieve their dreams, but they took the next step anyway.  They braved the dream stealers, weathered the storms and used their obstacles as stepping stones.  When they reached their dreams, they opened the door of possibility for women everywhere.  That’s true courage.  If it wasn’t for them, my path would be a lot harder.  These women spent their lives creating opportunities for women like me, and that thought changes everything! 

10 Lessons for Women by Women: Failure is impossible

“All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right-about-face which turns us from failure towards success.”  ~  Dorothea Brande

When all is said and done, if you do your best, it is really impossible to fail.  You may think you have failed in what you set out to do, but if you take the value from the experience, there is no failure.  Which leads me to ask:  what is the definition of failure?  I know that if I ask this question to women, I could probably get a thousand and one different definitions of missing the mark.  I think women are inherently hard on themselves – they expect a lot from themselves and expect to do it all. 

Failing at a task is in not trying; or not taking the action you know is necessary.  Other than that, failure is in how you think about it.  When Thomas Edison was asked a question about trying to make the light bulb a thousand times and failing, he answered that he hadn’t failed – he had just discovered a thousand ways not to make it (well, this is paraphrased but it’s the gist of what he said!).  For him it was impossible to fail.  And this is a lesson I think that girls and women especially need to learn - make failure impossible and it takes the fear away.  Then begin and take action – whatever the outcome, you will be closer to where you are supposed to be.

10 Lessons for Women by Women: It's a new year!

“Start wherever you are and start small.”  ~ Rita Baily

I love the concept of New Year’s Day as much as anyone else.  It is worth celebrating – for me it is a time of reflection about the past year and celebrating my personal growth and the miracles I’ve experienced during the past year.  And yes, every year there are definitely miracles.  It’s just a question of recognizing them. 

The one thing I don’t do, and haven’t done for years, is treat New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day as the alpha and the omega of the whole year.  I don’t believe in making idealistic resolutions on a designated day and treading on eggshells in hopes of keeping them.  Having goals and dreams is necessary, especially for women – often we’re so busy multi-tasking, that we forget about the bigger picture, so I feel that we need the reminder of where we’re going and what we hope to accomplish.  So the solution is to treat New Year’s Day with the same respect as you treat any other day and vice versa.  It is every moment of every day that is important.  Starting over can be done on any day and at any time.  And the definition of starting over is simply to make a decision, take action on it and stick with it, one moment at a time.  Happy New Year to you!  Make 2012 (every day of this year) count for you!  

10 Lessons for Women by Women: The meaning of hope

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”
  ~ Anne Lamott

Hope is something that I think women know a lot about.  I know of women who have held on by a thread of pure hope when they were in an abusive relationship and were brave enough to make a change; women who are single moms and give their children hope every day in spite of the fact that they don’t know where the next meal may be coming from; women who continue to hold on to their dreams when the people around them do everything possible to convince them that they are unworthy and will never succeed.  And it is these women who prove that it is worth having hope in the most difficult circumstances – that the courage to hope and take action based on possibility is something real and can be life-changing.

Hope isn’t the silver lining of a cloud.  It is something you dare to do in spite of adversity and obstacles.  It doesn’t mean success; it means possibility or chance.  But it opens the door to something more and gives you a reason to keep on keeping on. 

10 Lessons for Women by Women: How to sail your ship

“I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship.”  ~ Louisa May Alcott

Always know there is value in the storms that occur in your life.  Once you recognize this, you can truly make the most of every opportunity – opportunities often come disguised as extreme adversity.  And the way you allow the adversity to shape you determines whether you have gained something from it.  Often heartaches are our greatest teachers if we allow them this place in our lives. 

As a girl or woman, you may have experienced injustice because of your gender; you may have had opportunities taken away from you and perhaps you have had people around you who tried to destroy your self-esteem.  The real question is:  what has this taught you?  Has it taught you to work even harder for what you want or to hold onto your dreams no matter what?  Or do you just feel oppressed by what happened to you?  The events that you’ve experienced cannot change, but you can re-examine them and choose to learn something empowering from these events.  You can choose to become a stronger and more capable person because of these lessons.  It’s not about the storms – eventually it’s all about how you choose to sail your ship!